What to do

Sitting here thinking of my prospects, they seem rather grim indeed. Firstly, I see no way in which I can make a living in this modern world. For all that are useful are laborers that are squeezed into boxed warehouses, opening up boxes and taping them up again like some Sisyphus exercise. Or some second rate babysitter at schools, being reminded how poorly I perform those functions. Misery, absolute misery everywhere. The only way to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune is through drugs. And if you can't take them, then you are forced to bear the misery. Or perhaps its better to simply die. I don't get why we have to work, not only so hard, but at tasks that make our existence more miserable than what they are. It would be better if the upper classes would simply exterminate us so that we needn't continue with it all. Just really tired and see no other way out. But I will continue on, yet I know that the only way out is through death.

Science

I am so tired of hearing everyone talk about Science. This behemoth of knowledge, skill, intelligence and wonder, what is it? Is it the magic wand that with the flick of a wrist will wipe away all of our sorrows and produce everything we could desire? Is it some mystery that uncovered answers all of our questions, including the ones that wake us up in the middle of the night wondering why we exist and what will become of us? When anything questions its methods, it is immediately dismissed as unintelligent, uneducated and plain stupid. But like the suspect in the old Agatha Christie novels, if it were on a solid foundation, why act so defensive and suspicious about it? Why react so violently towards any criticism of it? I begin to wonder if it is a belief system or what I had always thought it was, a system of understanding the natural world through inductive reasoning, testability and empirical measurements. I guess I would like to know that if it is the only reliable means of knowing anything, why we don't rely on it to answer questions that mean the most to us; like about Love, about Art and Beauty and what logic?

Wonder

I wonder sometimes what is the meaning of things. It seems that within the past few years I have been weighed down with depression and grief. I think it has to do with my children and the struggles they go through. But even more than this, it has to do with their uncertain future. I suppose the future is the one thing I fear the most. And in fact the fear of it paradoxically hastens it even more. I want to see the wonder and the awe that Joey sees. I want to feel the excitement that Sammy feels. These elude me and I am left wondering where they are. But am I to suppose that they don't exist at all? Am I to just throw up my hands at the whole matter and agnostically deny all that seems reasonable? It is the true the senses are missing something and there are only two options, or two alternatives: One, it is just the way our brains function or two, there is something missing that we are aware of that exists but is not visible to the senses? If it is the former, then it would seem that our brain relaying information to us and creating information for us would be indistinguishable. Looking at the brain as some organ we can analyze seems contradictory from the perspective that we are using our brains to know our brains. And so, it would seem to me that embracing metaphysics, the soul, the spirit and God is far more rational. But, then again I still wonder how it will all turn out. I just want to hide in my mind and be embraced by God, by a Tom Bombadil.

Debating

I have grown rather tired of debating with people. I find that most I engage in discussions either use too many ad hominems or I find myself defending myself or my views as opposed as attacking them. I don't know it just really depresses me when I think about it. It makes me sad as well. And I think it has something to do with the fact that I look down on myself so much in an attempt at avoiding criticism. I just can't take it when it comes to a personal criticism. I already feel like pond scum most of the time. I am a financial mess, I hate to work-not because I am lazy but social anxiety and my views on capitalism cause a great deal of tension-and so many other reasons...by my fay I cannot reason right now and just wish to be left alone...like forever...